Am I a journalist?

It seems my crisis of purpose is finally upon me and, true to form, it's hardly a crisis.

I've never really doubted whether I wanted to be a journalist. It was the first career to appeal to me with any clarity as I finished high school and it was the route towards which I was pointed throughout university.

All around me, friends were second-guessing their ability or desire to continue along their chosen paths, sometimes opting for drastic new directions, sometimes merely tweaking their previous inclinations.

But I just continued towards a life of reportage, ascending the ladder within the student press with relative ease. No significant obstacles, no doubts. Perhaps neurotically, I actually worried somewhat how I'd react when things inevitably stopped coming so easily.

And then, after serving for a year as Editor-in-Chief of my beloved student paper, The Cord Weekly, it was time to leave the comfortable university bubble and get a 'real' job. I applied for a sports position at The Record, where I'd been working part-time for a couple years and had forged a good enough relationship with the Sports Editor to know he was looking to hire someone relatively young. Things appeared as though they were continuing to roll on in my favour.

But then something happened. In the midst of the hiring process, the paper lost its publisher and announced a hiring freeze. In the end, six months would pass between my February interview and the August hiring of a BC reporter who was notably not me. I'd excitedly accepted my current job in SL the day before receiving an email telling me they'd gone with someone else.

Now, you would think Sierra Leone would be the perfect place to solidify a love of journalism. All around me, stories of immense importance are just waiting to be told. And yet, the change of scenery has instead called into question whether that's the road I really want to take.

A couple months back, I was reading a book called Road Work, an enjoyable collection of journalistic pieces by a writer named Mark Bowden. I was struck by a sentence at the end of the book's introduction, as Bowden looked back on his early days as a reporter after a long career:

I am more confident today than I was then about my reporting skills, but I still enjoy the writing more than the reporting, and I still think I am a better writer than I am a reporter.

Bowden's words resonated with me. My initial logic for pursuing journalism, then in the sports vein, was to combine my two abiding passions: sports and writing. The reporting and interviewing aspects were enjoyable and I eventually got pretty good at them, but I too view myself as a better writer than reporter.

When I arrived here in Salone, I was intimidated. Due largely to my youth and the fact that I was working in radio instead of my more comfortable print surroundings, I felt as though I was the weak link in our crew of trainers. I'm not and it didn't take very long to realize it, but I also know that there are those, like my roommate Bryna, who are flat-out better journalists than me.

There are a lot of aspects of journalism I'm good at. But there are also key facets that I don't do well, weaknesses I've largely been able to sidestep in the weekly cycle of the student press.

I'm not good at writing quick copy, and I'm not especially comfortable having a story mostly written before an event, game, etc. is even over. I understand the necessity of doing so in the modern 24-hour news cycle, but I worry that it puts preconceptions in a journalist's head that, perhaps unfairly, colour their interpretation of events.

When it comes to interviews, I think I ask great questions. But I do so much better when I have time to meditate on an issue and delve into an interview, rather than forming all the relevant inquiries in the five-second space after a press conference announcement. I think I'm good at putting interview subjects at ease and getting them to open up, but I suck at cutting a subject off when deadline looms.

It's a skill set that makes me well-suited to long-form journalism, perhaps writing feature pieces for magazines. Unfortunately, it leaves me woefully inadequate for the vast majority of journalism jobs and almost all the entry-level ones, which revolve around writing on deadline, day in and day out.

While I imagine I could learn to do this well, I'm not convinced I want to. And let me be abundantly clear that I don't mean to disparage such news. People, myself very much included, want the news at their fingertips and I admire the hell out of those who are good at providing it, like my friend and former editor April. And generally speaking, the people that provide the crucial daily copy are good at the more in-depth stuff as well.

But for now, I'm leaning towards trying to find another way to play to my strengths instead of trying to steamroll my weaknesses in a stubborn attempt to hold onto the professional image I've spent the last few years cultivating for myself.

My stock-taking has done more than simply dredge up shortcomings. I've become more acutely aware of my strengths in areas like visioning and mentoring, for example.

Interestingly, I have no doubt that in my brief career to date, I've already trained and guided student journalists beyond my own level of reporting proficiency. My confidence giving direction as an editor exists parallel to my inability to always follow those same directions in my own reporting.

Still, I've been pretty blown away by the reaction of my Kalleone journalists, particularly Sheik, to the teaching I'm doing here, and I've been equally astounded by the degree to which some former Cord colleagues still value my input. So perhaps I should be seeking a career that will put such management and leadership skills to use?

Ultimately, being here has made me less confident than ever in what direction I want to go. But it's a lack of knowledge brought about by deep contemplation and self-assessment, which I deem infinitely preferable to a false sureness fed by being too busy to ever take stock.

And I certainly don't see myself turning my back on journalism altogether. There's a reason it's become such an integral part of my self-image. It's more a matter of trying to figure out where I fit in that journalism world, and I'm finding myself far more excited by the possibilities than scared about the uncertainties.

As traditional media hemhorrages jobs by the second, I find myself contemplating less conventional ways of making a media living, perhaps working for a think-tank or NGO while freelancing long-form pieces on my own time. As I try to decide if I'm better suited to sports or hard news, I'm inspired by reading writers like Bowden and Chuck Klosterman that see no need to make such a distinction, tackling topics as diverse as rhino poaching, Steve Nash, and Radiohead.

Then, in another corner of my brain, the tantalizing notion of starting my own media development NGO with my buddy Brandon screams for attention as I try to determine whether it's more than a simple pipe dream. Even PR, a professional direction that not long ago would have been tantamount to the ultimate sin, seems like a viable option, provided it's for something I'm truly passionate about, like a wicked cool band.

For now, though, I seem to have stumbled upon a pleasing summertime solution. Just recently, I accepted a contract position as the Interim Station Manager of the new Radio Laurier, a role that should allow me to flex those visioning and mentoring muscles nicely.

In essence, my job is to take the campus radio station I grew so passionate about last year and lead it through a period of transition as it moves from the Student's Union to Student Publications, the organization I've devoted so much time to throughout my Cord tenure. It's a move my co-host Joe and I have long championed, and I'm ecstatic about the opportunity to draw on my experience in radio here to help set a direction that will, hopefully, allow Radio Laurier to realize its enormous potential.

As if that weren't good enough, the job only calls for 15 hours/week (though I'll almost undoubtedly put in more) and the hours are flexible, leaving me enough time to work on freelancing three travel pieces that I won't have time to do while I'm here and begin looking for some more full-time work for the fall.

It also delivers the peace of mind of knowing I won't have to miss any games or tournaments when I return to the Kitchener Selects, and I should still have time left over to catch up with the many friends I've missed so dearly these last six months.

Oh, and did I mention that I will be working on this project with Alex 'Playa' Hayter - my right-hand man in my year as EIC at The Cord as well as my successor - in an office full of dear friends? I have a good feeling about this summer.